"This Is Hard, and You Can Handle It": Supporting Kids With Anxiety and OCD

Written in partnership with Dr. Melissa Waxman, a psychologist specializing in helping children, teens, and young adults overcome anxiety and OCD.

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Loving, well-meaning responses can sometimes reinforce anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in children. Here's how to support your child while helping them build the confidence to manage difficult feelings.

Your child refuses to get out of the car. Or they're asking, for the fifth time tonight, "But what if I get sick?" You reassure them, walk them into school, or change the plan because watching your child struggle is difficult. And for a moment, it works. But ten minutes later, the questions return, or the next morning looks exactly the same.

If this sounds familiar, you're not doing anything wrong. These responses are natural, and they often come from a place of love. However, anxiety and OCD can become reinforced by patterns of avoidance and reassurance-seeking. With a few intentional shifts, parents can help children build resilience and learn that they can handle discomfort without needing immediate relief.

Understanding Anxiety and OCD in Children

Everyone has an internal alarm system designed to detect danger. When it senses a threat, it triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response. In children with anxiety, this alarm can go off even when there is no immediate danger. The fear feels real, even when the situation is safe.

Anxiety becomes a concern when it is persistent or intense enough to interfere with everyday life, including school, friendships, sleep, and family activities.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) involves two key components:

• Obsessions: Unwanted, recurring thoughts, images, or urges that cause distress.
• Compulsions: Repetitive behaviors or mental rituals a child feels driven to perform to reduce that distress.

Although compulsions may provide temporary relief, the anxiety often returns, reinforcing the urge to repeat the behavior.

Why Avoidance and Reassurance Can Reinforce Anxiety

Anxiety often follows a predictable cycle. Something triggers a child's fear, they avoid the situation or seek reassurance, and their distress temporarily decreases. While that relief feels positive in the moment, the brain may learn that the situation was dangerous and avoidance was necessary.

Over time, the fear can become stronger, making similar situations increasingly difficult to navigate.

Reassurance-seeking can reinforce the same pattern. An anxious child may repeatedly ask, "What if something bad happens?" or look for a guarantee that everything will be okay. Because absolute certainty is impossible, each answer provides only temporary relief before the next question arises.

The goal isn't to withhold comfort or dismiss a child's fears. It's to help them tolerate uncertainty and develop confidence in their ability to manage it.

What Is Parental Accommodation?

In anxiety treatment, accommodation refers to changes parents or caregivers make to reduce a child's distress in the moment. These responses are common and often well-intentioned, but they can unintentionally maintain the anxiety cycle.

Examples include:

• Allowing a child to consistently avoid people, places, or activities that trigger anxiety.
• Providing repeated reassurance about the same fear.
• Changing family schedules or routines to prevent distress.
• Completing tasks a child could reasonably do independently.
• Participating in or helping complete OCD rituals.

Accommodation often works in the short term, making it understandable that parents continue these behaviors. However, over time, it can reinforce the belief that a situation is too difficult to manage without help.

An important distinction: Anxiety-related accommodation is not the same as formal school accommodations, such as an Individualized Education Program (IEP) or a 504 plan. These supports help children access learning and should not be removed simply to reduce anxiety-related accommodation. Any changes to formal school supports should be discussed with your child's school team.

How to Support Your Child Without Reinforcing Anxiety

Effective support balances two important messages: I understand how hard this feels, and I believe you can handle it.

Parents often lean toward one of two approaches. They may protect their child from distress because they worry the situation will be too difficult, or they may push their child to overcome the fear before they're ready. Neither approach fully addresses what a child needs.

Instead, aim to combine:

• Acceptance: Acknowledge your child's feelings without judgment or minimizing their experience.
• Confidence: Communicate that you believe they can manage the situation, even when it feels uncomfortable.

For example, try saying: "I can see this is really hard for you, and I'm sure you can handle it."

The word and matters. It allows you to validate your child's distress while reinforcing their ability to cope, rather than suggesting their feelings should disappear before they can move forward.

Practical Steps to Start Changing the Pattern

You don't need to change every response at once. Small, consistent adjustments can help your child gradually build confidence.

1. Notice the pattern.

Ask yourself: If anxiety weren't a factor, would I still change this plan, answer this question again, or complete this task for my child? This can help you identify where accommodation may be occurring.

2. Start with one change.

Choose one frequent, specific accommodation to reduce. Focusing on a single behavior can make the process more manageable for both you and your child.

3. Talk about the change ahead of time.

Explain what will be different when everyone is calm. Use a warm, confident tone rather than introducing a new expectation in the middle of a difficult moment.

4. Make gradual adjustments.

Reduce accommodation step by step instead of trying to change everything overnight. When appropriate, work with a therapist to develop gradual, planned exposures that help your child practice facing feared situations.

5. Stay consistent and compassionate.

Your child may push back when a familiar source of relief changes. Acknowledge their feelings without getting drawn into repeated debates or automatically returning to the old pattern.

If your child has significant anxiety or OCD, consider working with a qualified mental health professional experienced in evidence-based treatment for these conditions. A therapist can help you determine which accommodations to address and how to do so safely and effectively.

Expect Discomfort Before Progress

When a familiar pattern changes, your child may cry, plead, or become frustrated. This can be difficult to watch, especially when you know a quick reassurance or change of plans might calm things down.

An increase in distress doesn't automatically mean the approach is wrong. It may reflect your child's adjustment to a different response. Plan ahead for your own instinct to step in, and aim to remain calm and supportive while holding the agreed-upon boundary.

Once the moment has passed, recognize your child's effort rather than focusing only on the outcome. You might say, "You stayed with that even though it was hard."

Over time, these experiences can help children learn that they can feel anxious and still participate in activities, navigate uncertainty, and do difficult things.

The Goal Isn't to Eliminate Anxiety

Helping a child manage anxiety doesn't mean eliminating every uncomfortable feeling. It means giving them the tools and confidence to navigate those feelings without relying on avoidance, repeated reassurance, or rituals for relief.

The next time your child is struggling, try shifting your focus from "How can I make this feel better right now?" to "How can I help my child feel capable of handling this?"

With patience, consistency, and the right support, you can help your child develop skills that extend far beyond the moment, building confidence in their ability to navigate life's inevitable uncertainties.